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Every good Adam Sandler movie has a villain. As Sandler’s character tries to get the girl, win the big game or take over the company, there’s always somebody trying to make sure it doesn’t happen. On this Sunday, I will begin a new series called “Smeltzer’s Sunday Seven,” where I come up with lists, some straightforward, some obscure, some sports-related, some not. My first “Sunday Seven” ranking is dedicated to the best baddies of films starring Adam Sandler. Before I reveal the list, here are some honorable mentions.

*Beware of spoilers*

Honorable mention: Vicki Vallencourt, The Waterboy 

Hey stud!

Vicki Vallencourt

This one will take some explaining. Yes, Vicki was good to Sandler’s Bobby Boucher and was one of the only people who believed in him before he became a college football star. But she was also a hoodlum.

In the age of Stone Cold Steve Austin and the antihero, the Vicki character fit in perfectly. I’m going to guess that she corrupted Bobby before too long after the wedding. 

Honorable mention: Terri, Happy Gilmore

You’re going nowhere, Happy, and you’re taking me with you.

Terri No-Last-Name

Happy wanted to play hockey. Terri No-Last-Name didn’t like that too much. 

Honorable mention: Donald, Happy Gilmore

Jackass

Donald

Portrayed by Joe Flaherty, Donald is a heckler hired by Shooter McGavin to get in Happy Gilmore’s head, and he does a pretty good job, leading to Sandler fighting Bob Barker. He also hits Happy with a car, which wasn’t nice.

No. 7: Hal L., Happy Gilmore 

You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up.

Hal L.

 Hal L., the nursing home Nazi portrayed by Ben Stiller, wasn’t a much of a threat to Sandler’s Happy Gilmore character. Depending on which cut of the movie you watch, Gilmore either doesn’t find out about Hal L. or takes care of him as soon as he does. Nonetheless, Stiller played Hal L. well enough to earn a spot on this list, and what an entertaining way to kick it off. 

The nursing home Nazi portrayed by Ben Stiller wasn’t an individual threat to Sandler’s Happy Gilmore character. Depending on which cut of the movie you watch, Gilmore either doesn’t find out about Hal L. or takes care of him as soon as he does. Nonetheless, Stiller played Hal L. well enough to earn a spot on this list. Along with the famous “warm glass of shut the hell up” line, Stiller’s character had a few more notable scenes, including one where he sent an elderly woman out to landscaping duty for complaining of sore fingers.

Stiller didn’t play a significant role like others on this list did, but he was mean enough and funny enough to make it.

No. 6: Vanessa, Big Daddy

He has a five year plan!

Vanessa No-Last-Name

Sonny Koufax had a girlfriend, and then he didn’t. It didn’t work out because Vanessa No-Last-Name wanted to date an old dude named Sid. Without spoiling much, things didn’t work out for Vanessa in the end. 

No. 5: Linda, The Wedding Singer

I’m never gonna leave Richfield!

Linda No-Last-Name

Worse than Vanessa. Linda No-Last-Name broke a Robbie Hart’s well, heart, and did so in the sickest way possible, leaving Robbie at the alter on their wedding day. Her reasoning (“I woke up this morning and I realized; I’m about to marry a wedding singer!?!) only made her more detestable. Just a vile woman. 

No. 4: Glenn Gulia, The Wedding Singer

All he cares about are possessions. Fancy cars, CD players. Even women are possessions to him.

Billy Idol

After Linda left Robbie at the altar, he turned his attentions to a lovely waitress named Julia Sullivan. The problem? Julia was engaged to a rich tool bag. 

Shortly after grunting when Robbie innocently pointed out that Julia’s name was about to be “Julia Gulia,” Glenn admitted to Robbie that he had been running around on Julia and he had no plans on stopping after the “I Do’s.” The rich guy got his comeuppance in a big way by the time the credits rolled. 

No. 3: Red Beaulieu, The Water Boy

What’s the matter with you, boy? Are you too st-stupid to do what your coach tells you?

Red Beaulieu

Coach Beaulieu places highly on this list because he tormented two people in almost equal measures. He bullied Sandler’s Bobby Boucher– a mentally challenged waterboy– from Boucher’s childhood through his 20s. He stole Coach Klein’s dream of becoming the head coach at the University of Louisiana by stealing Klein’s beloved green playbook. After tormenting both Boucher and Klein separately, he got both of them collectively when he revealed to the world that Boucher’s high school transcript was a farce, killing Boucher’s newfound popularity and nearly causing him to miss the Bourbon Bowl. 

No. 2: Eric Gordon, Billy Madison

Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?

Eric Gordon

He looked like a weasel. He laughed like a psycho. He was as lovable as a cockroach. 

It’s not that Eric’s contempt for Billy Madison was without merit. He wanted to take over Madison Hotels when Billy’s father, Brian, retired, and it was reasonable for Eric to scoff at the prospect of Billy, a 27-year-old frat boy, being in charge of anything that didn’t involve lighting a bag of poop on fire. 

But as the movie progressed, Eric got more and more evil, resorting to dirty tactics to keep Billy from the prize. It climaxes when Eric nearly kills Billy’s lover, Veronica Vaughn. 

No. 1: Shooter McGavin, Happy Gilmore

You lay another finger on me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes.

Shooter McGavin

Expect anything different? Christopher McDonald has plenty of experience playing unlikeable characters, and this is perhaps his finest work.

Everything you’d expect a pompous golfer to be, Shooter is. Like Eric, Shooter also resorts to dirty tactics to torment the protagonist, buying Grandma Gilmore’s house at an auction in an effort to get Happy to leave the pro tour. He’s arrogant, he flaunts his wealth, and, perhaps most aggravating, he’s good at his job. A perfect villain.